


Certainty

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Cheating, F/M, M/M, Possibly Triggering, Suicide, self-harm mention, very dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11843562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Nothing is certain except death and taxes.”-Benjamin Franklin





	Certainty

**Author's Note:**

> POSSIBLY TRIGGERING!!! read at your own risk

Aaron was in love with certainties. Others would look up at the sky and dream; they’d feel something —  get the urge to wax poetic over the wonders of the universe. He never did. The sky was blue because of the scattering of light. Hearts raced from adrenaline, not butterflies. Love was a formula of neurochemicals and soulmates were for movies. He knew all of this for sure, for certain. So now, he wondered how everything could change so quickly. How the sky could turn red and the certainties he had created to protect himself had crumbled without so much as a fight, leaving him vulnerable. Too vulnerable, so desperately frail that it was as if he wasn’t there at all, but just a shadow; a silhouette. How fickle life was.

They had started out as innocently as they could: shared whispers over drinks and flirty glances from across the room, roaming hands and sloppy kisses in the dark. Aaron should have known from then that he was poison, a toxic thing that would seep into every corner of his life and destroy him from the inside-out. He should have known that this man would trick him into thinking that this feeling was something more than oxytocin and dopamine. But he swallowed the poison anyway, and looking back, he’d do it all over again. That tormented him more than anything else.

“Alexander.”

“Aaron.” The sex was amazing. The sex was mind-blowing, but he only ever touched him in the dark. He was okay with that. He was gentle, yet not kind. He was a mean lover, and his remarks stung and followed Aaron, sticking to his skin and suffocating him now as he lay alone in his empty bed; the scent of Alexander still lingering on his sheets. All of it was worth it. He suffered through the pain and hurt because he was his. Until he wasn’t.

Aaron knew he had found someone else before Alexander himself even knew it. 

    "Long hours," he said, the stench of cigarettes and sex shamelessly radiating off of him. Aaron would get angry, furious at how obvious he was, but he never showed it. Life ha d beaten him down too hard and for too long for him to have the energy to even raise a finger in defiance. No, Aaron let him go out early and come back late, sometimes a hint of lipstick on his collar, other times an unfamiliar cologne. At the end of the day, Aaron would kiss him goodnight and prepare to play another game of charades tomorrow. The inevitable tomorrow, the certain tomorrow. It seemed like this pain was his new certainty, and just like every other one, he clung to it. 

    “I’ve met someone else.” She was a nice girl, Eliza. She reeked of old money, but her heart was pure, and Aaron was sure she had no idea that she was involved in an affair. She was good, too good for Alexander. He had a cautious look in his eye, his mind already whirring to find the right words to console a heartbroken, soon-to-be jilted ex. Aaron didn’t need any consoling. 

    “Okay.” The word was chilling and severe, so sharp that Aaron could drag it against his skin and watch as the blood flooded up to the surface. Alexander had been expecting something more grand, surprised to find that someone wouldn’t drop to their knees and wonder where everything went wrong. He was narcissistic, a coward, and full of senseless and childish vanities, and Aaron hated it. He wondered what he had ever seen in such a monster cleverly disguised as a bachelor. His face warped into some ugly, horrid thing, and Aaron struggled to keep down the bile that threatened to scald his throat.

   “So that’s it,” said the monster. Aaron nodded, and the thing departed, dragging its heavy limbs and rotting flesh out the door, taking with him a part of Aaron’s soul. Any semblance of routine that he had was ripped out from underneath him. The ground that had seemed so steady before was caught in an earthquake, and it ripped apart into a gaping fissure, swallowing him whole. He was free-falling, but he couldn't scream, he couldn’t even speak to ask for help. This hell was endless.

   Aaron stared at the empty space next to him, the bed feeling much too big and much too small at the same time. He hated this feeling. Alexander had become his mundanity, and now nothing was for sure, nothing was absolute. He stared out at the black night sky, the stars twinkling with an earnest something. He sighed out roughly, his breaths shallow and quick. He was _dreaming_. Stars couldn’t feel. He didn’t want to feel. Aaron stood at the window, his legs trembling at the height of the drop. He was exactly fifteen stories above ground. It was that exactness that he craved, that certainty; the infallibility of death. There was no Alexander in death. Aaron threw himself down.

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha hell yeah I'm an angsty piece of shit and yes I know my writing is melodramatic let me have my fun okay


End file.
